Since I've never been able to maintain any resolution longer than a couple of weeks, I've written a few new-leaf policies for the rest of the world.
- All terrorists, military, paramilitary, rabble-rousing personnel and those commanding them, put the guns down and go home. We've had enough of war and violence. Just stop it.
- There will be a little white pill next to everyone's toothpaste tomorrow morning. It will permanently eliminate your craving for junk food, alcohol, celebrity worship, tobacco, rap "music" and anorectic women. Take the pill. The only side effect from it will be an uncontrollable desire to eat broccoli. Take it anyway... there's a lot of cheap broccoli available.
- Every word about "the green movement" will be researched, documented and proven before it's written or spoken. All solutions to global warming, and industrially-caused global warming itself, must be declared objectively factual before we hear one more syllable about it.
- The theme music for all network news and political commentary TV shows will be the Shut Up Song by the Black Eyed Peas. (There's a version at the bottom of this column entitled "Drew Lachey's Tango") If you don't know the lyrics, they go like this.
Just shut up
Shut up [3x]
Shut it up, just shut up
Just shut up
Shut up [3x]
Shut it up, just shut up.
- We have far too many State and Federal laws. We have more laws than any citizenry can ever be expected to follow. Enough is enough. All legislators, go home. Take the next four years off. We don't need any more laws. Don't give us that song and dance about also being responsible for passing budgets. You don't do it on time and you never balance them. We'll keep the 2007 budget in place until 2011. Just keep printing the checks and we promise we'll pay all the taxes we legitimately owe. You keep your word, we'll keep ours.
- Whoever is in charge of equalizing the value of the dollar to the Euro and Pound -- do it. It's getting too expensive to travel in Europe and I still haven't been to The Netherlands, Ireland or Provence.
- American consumers, please realize you can't have it both ways. You can't buy everything marked down 250% and expect quality products made in America. Did you know you can buy a very sophisticated (Japanese) laser printer for $129? I remember when an extremely slow, serially connected dot matrix printer sold for $500. As long as we're taking advantage of low prices for almost everything (excluding food and big fat cars), I don't think we have room to complain about the source or even the quality. You might want to learn the lyrics to "Shut Up."
- All teenagers (you know who you are) buy some damn jeans that fit. What possible sense does it make to wear your back pockets around your knees, your cuffs under your feet, and have the crotch of your pants hobble your thighs? It isn't cool, it looks like hell.
- Guns don't kill people, bullets do, so you NRA members and sympathizers can keep your guns. The ammunition makers are going out of business at midnight tonight. Sorry.
- Maybe the legislators on vacation can meet in Peoria, or somewhere equally as exciting, and consider serious election reform, the line item veto and the other white meat.
- All magazines, TV programs and online articles on losing weight, getting fit and staying in shape will be prohibited from accepting advertising from food companies. I find it beyond irony, well into madness, to read a very serious article filled with good advice on getting and staying healthy, only to have the next full page, commercial or side columns of the screen devoted to grandma's recipes for butterscotch chocolate peanut butter cherry key lime whipped cream upside down cheesecake.
- And that reminds me. All nonfiction writers get to take the same four years off that the legislators do. We don't need any more advice about anything... it's all been written in the last 25 years.
- While I'm on the subject, there will be no more remakes of great, Academy Award-winning films. They always suck, and what's the point? Remake bad films into good ones, if you can't come up with anything original. Hint: Start with the new Miami Vice movie.
So -- Happy New Year! May you remain steadfast in all of your resolutions and may those flying pigs get off the ground soon.